While I'm glad to be living in a time where men are advocating for the work that women do at home with their children, I am also looking forward to a time when the conversation is not exclusively about women saying home. Optimistically speaking, I know there will be a time when it is not a gendered expectation, when the automatic expectation isn't that if there is a parent staying home it is the woman. Pessimistically speaking, I have a feeling we are a long way out from that point. I know families make this decision based on income, but income discrepancies are real. Yes, I know there are cases in which the female partner makes more than her husband, however when you can only site a few case and point examples you have to know that we aren't there yet. Yes, there are professional opportunities for women to be bread winning powerhouses, but combating the societal expectation for women that would take much more time than I have available at the moment to delve into is a tricky thing to do. I know earning more money was not the point the author was trying to make...
I like the point the author makes about our materialistic society as a reason so many families have two working parents. Many families can get by with less than they have. The reason I work is not just so our family has extra money. Between childcare expenses and all the doctors visits we've made as a result of her being sick (I blame daycare), it feels like it is practically a wash. I work because staying at home is too hard. It's hard not to feel productive. There is really no finished product - no end to it. There will always be more laundry, a mess to clean, more grocery shopping to do, dogs to let in and out, and in and out. There is limited interaction with adults, there is very little appreciative feedback, there is not much to show for the work you do. It is a 24 hour a day, never ending, responsibility. If you are someone who thrives on positive feedback, there is just not enough messaging like what the author writes below. AND there is too much "When do you think you'll go back to work", "Don't you miss working", "How long are you going to take time off from work", etc. That being said, getting positive feedback is not the only reason I've gone back to work. There are many reasons why I think having a working mom and putting our child in daycare is actually a positive experience for her, however that is a conversation for another time.
So thank you Matt Walsh for the positive feedback, but please don't use language like "especially women" and remember that, yes stay at home mom's are super women, but there is the option for men to stay home too. I also think that the title "A Husband's AMAZING response to "She's a Stay-At-Home Mom? What does she DO all day?" is also telling. It's is really that AMAZING that a father would recognize all the work that his wife does all day with HIS children? Holding this perspective should NOT be considered "amazing".
A Husband's Amazing Response To 'She's A Stay-At-Home Mom? What Does She DO All Day?'
Matt Walsh is tired of people telling him how lucky his wife is to be a stay-at-home mom and to not be "working". This is his message to those people:
It's happened twice in a week, and they were both women. Anyone ought to have more class than this, but women — especially women — should damn well know better.
Last week, I was at the pharmacy and a friendly lady approached me.
"Matt! How are those little ones doing?"
"Great! They're doing very well, thanks for asking."
"Good to hear. How 'bout your wife? Is she back at work yet?"
"Well she's working hard at home, taking care of the kids. But she's not going back into the workforce, if that's what you mean."
"Oh fun! That must be nice!"
"Fun? It's a lot of hard work. Rewarding, yes. Fun? Not always."
This one wasn't in-your-face. It was only quietly presumptuous and subversively condescending.
The next incident occurred today at the coffee shop. It started in similar fashion; a friendly exchange about how things are coming along with the babies. The conversation quickly derailed when the woman hit me with this:
"So is your wife staying at home permanently?"
"Permanently? Well, for the foreseeable future she will be raising the kids full time, yes."
"Yeah, mine is 14 now. But I've had a career the whole time as well. I can't imagine being a stay at home mom. I would get so antsy. [Giggles] What does she DO all day?"
"Oh, just absolutely everything. What do you do all day?"
"…Me? Ha! I WORK!"
"My wife never stops working. Meanwhile, it's the middle of the afternoon and we're both at a coffee shop. I'm sure my wife would love to have time to sit down and drink a coffee. It's nice to get a break, isn't it?"
The conversation ended less amicably than it began.
Look, I don't cast aspersions on women who work outside of the home. I understand that many of them are forced into it because they are single mothers, or because one income simply isn't enough to meet the financial needs of their family. Or they just choose to work because that's what they want to do. Fine. I also understand that most "professional" women aren't rude, pompous and smug, like the two I met recently.
But I don't want to sing Kumbaya right now. I want to kick our backwards, materialistic society in the shins and say, "GET YOUR FREAKING HEAD ON STRAIGHT, SOCIETY."
This conversation shouldn't be necessary. I shouldn't need to explain why it's insane for anyone — particularly other women — to have such contempt and hostility for "stay at home" mothers. Are we really so shallow? Are we really so confused? Are we really the first culture in the history of mankind to fail to grasp the glory and seriousness of motherhood? The pagans deified Maternity and turned it into a goddess. We've gone the other direction; we treat it like a disease or an obstacle.
The people who completely immerse themselves in the tiring, thankless, profoundly important job of raising children ought to be put on a pedestal. We ought to revere them and admire them like we admire rocket scientists and war heroes. These women are doing something beautiful and complicated and challenging and terrifying and painful and joyous and essential. Whatever they are doing, they ARE doing something, and our civilization DEPENDS on them doing it well. Who else can say such a thing? What other job carries with it such consequences?
It's true — being a mom isn't a "job." A job is something you do for part of the day and then stop doing. You get a paycheck. You have unions and benefits and break rooms. I've had many jobs; it's nothing spectacular or mystical. I don't quite understand why we've elevated "the workforce" to this hallowed status. Where do we get our idea of it? The Communist Manifesto? Having a job is necessary for some — it is for me — but it isn't liberating or empowering. Whatever your job is — you are expendable. You are a number. You are a calculation. You are a servant. You can be replaced, and you will be replaced eventually. Am I being harsh? No, I'm being someone who has a job. I'm being real.
If your mother quit her role as mother, entire lives would be turned upside down; society would suffer greatly. The ripples of that tragedy would be felt for generations. If she quit her job as a computer analyst, she'd be replaced in four days and nobody would care. Same goes for you and me. We have freedom and power in the home, not the office. But we are zombies, so we can not see that.
Yes, my wife is JUST a mother. JUST. She JUST brings forth life into the universe, and she JUST shapes and molds and raises those lives. She JUST manages, directs and maintains the workings of the household, while caring for children who JUST rely on her for everything. She JUST teaches our twins how to be human beings, and, as they grow, she will JUST train them in all things, from morals, to manners, to the ABC's, to hygiene, etc. She is JUST my spiritual foundation and the rock on which our family is built. She is JUST everything to everyone. And society would JUST fall apart at the seams if she, and her fellow moms, failed in any of the tasks I outlined.
Yes, she is just a mother. Which is sort of like looking at the sky and saying, "hey, it's justthe sun."
Of course not all women can be at home full time. It's one thing to acknowledge that; it's quite another to paint it as the ideal. To call it the ideal, is to claim that children IDEALLY would spend LESS time around their mothers. This is madness. Pure madness. It isn't ideal, and it isn't neutral. The more time a mother can spend raising her kids, the better. The better for them, the better for their souls, the better for the community, the better for humanity. Period.
Finally, it's probably true that stay at home moms have some down time. People who work outside the home have down time, too. In fact, there are many, many jobs that consist primarily of down time, with little spurts of menial activity strewn throughout. In any case, I'm not looking to get into a fight about who is "busier." We seem to value our time so little, that we find our worth based on how little of it we have. In other words, we've idolized "being busy," and confused it with being "important." You can be busy but unimportant, just as you can be important but not busy. I don't know who is busiest, and I don't care. It doesn't matter. I think it's safe to say that none of us are as busy as we think we are; and however busy we actually are, it's more than we need to be.
We get a lot of things wrong in our culture. But, when all is said and done, and our civilization crumbles into ashes, we are going to most regret the way we treated mothers and children.
This article is re-posted and originally written by Matt Walsh on his blog. You should like him onFacebook and follow him on Twitter @MattWalshRadio.
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